You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
