I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
