Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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