Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
