I queefed so loud it echoed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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