My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
