i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
