Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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