I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
