i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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