this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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