Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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