I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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