I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
