He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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