once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
