There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
