shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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