i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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