there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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