Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
