if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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