i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
