yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
