she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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