my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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