Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
