Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
