she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
