Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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