just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You made out with two different species that night
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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