Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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