i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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