Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Pooping to opera.
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