were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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