shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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