I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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