Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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