You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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