Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Im part way to drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
