you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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