Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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