dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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