just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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