I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
