Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
