Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
