They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
