I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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