so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize