I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
