Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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