I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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