We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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