I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
