I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
