i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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