Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
