Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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