ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
