That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
